Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
