i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
