I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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