Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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