just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
