he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Alive.
So much puke
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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