why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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