she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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