Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just puked most of my soul out..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
