I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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