why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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