I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
