God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
