Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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