I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
