Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
