Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize