Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
