life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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