Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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