Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just pee around me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
