I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
