I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
