can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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