so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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