Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
bring money and cleavage
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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