Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
