in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize