You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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