I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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