I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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