At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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