You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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