I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
