I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
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