Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
