My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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