Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
