on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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