It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
