The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
