I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Randomize
