I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
