my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
