God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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