I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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