I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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