Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
