just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
