I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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