Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
