oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
