so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
