I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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