It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you win again, gameday.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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