thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
