Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
