I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
