i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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